Functioning Is Not the Same as Being Well

I could run businesses, make decisions and carry serious responsibility while drinking far too much.

For a long time, I used those facts as evidence for the defence. Look at what I am doing. Look at what I have built. Surely somebody with a real problem could not function like this.

Except, of course, they can.

Competence can conceal distress remarkably well. Drive can keep the diary full. Achievement can provide another short burst of reassurance. A promotion, a deal or a good set of numbers can make the question disappear for a while.

The trouble is that performance measures output. It does not measure peace.

People around me could see the strain long before I was willing to name it. I was still delivering, so I assumed I was still fine. In reality I had become very good at carrying what was wrong without letting it interrupt the meeting.

Recovery made me separate two ideas I had treated as the same. I was capable. I was also unwell. One did not cancel the other.

That distinction matters for anybody whose life still looks impressive from the outside. You do not need to lose everything before you are allowed to notice what something is costing you.