The Apology That Changes Tomorrow
Recovery taught me that a useful apology has to survive the following day.
During my drinking, sorry became part of the cycle.
Sorry I was late. Sorry I said that. Sorry I cannot remember saying that. I often meant it. The problem was that meaning it did not prevent something remarkably similar happening again.
Recovery changed the question.
Instead of asking whether I felt sorry enough, I had to ask what the apology would look like tomorrow.
If I had been unreliable, could I become more reliable? If I had been emotionally absent, could I stay present when the conversation became uncomfortable? If I had damaged trust, could I stop demanding immediate forgiveness and begin providing evidence?
That is much slower than a grand speech. It is also much harder to fake.
The people closest to me did not need another announcement about the new version of me. They needed to experience something different. Turning up. Listening. Doing what I said I would do. Admitting I was wrong before the argument required its own anniversary.
Words matter. Changed behaviour gives them value.
I still apologise. I simply understand now that the sentence is the beginning of the amend, not the completed work.
An original reflection by Theo Luke Dornan. Independent and not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous or AA World Services.